I’m Sorry but I’m Letting Go.

This is a deeply personal letter regarding apologizing and healing from upholding harmful beliefs in order to evolve.

When I think back at 4 years ago, when I invested in a business consultant, I had no idea I was going to be starting my personal talk therapy again. The mindset and road blacks from my past kept me from ringing in and manifesting the success I saw for myself within my business. And the more I learned and evolved the more shame I felt for the things I’ve done to others in my past. Both outwardly and internally.

I had no idea for so long that I was a walking/talking projection of my pain, fear and insecurities and was causing harm for the sake of others approval and self protection. Add in internalized homophobia, misogyny and cultural expectations in a country built for whiteness and we have a whole jenga set ready to fall. From being what people call a ‘pick me girl’ by tearing other women down for male validation, to helping to carry out racist beliefs, to weaponizing truth and reacting with anger in a toxic way to lean into the stereotype of a “spicy Latina’. I’m done.

I’m not here to excuse myself by saying I was spoon fed these things and that I am a victim. I’m here to be the world I want to see. The grey with the black and white, that being fed that narrative, I ran with them, hurt people and carried no accountability for a time. But here to say that it wasn’t ok, that I was so wrong, and I’m educating myself and taking action to make amends. That I’m sorry I caused pain. What isn’t working anymore is beating myself up about it everyday, carrying the shame and the weight of those actions and using that as a reason not to manifest a better life. As I learn and obsess to do and be better, I carry more and more guilt and shame and self-sabatoge myself into not attracting abundance into my life. I have led myself to believe because I made mistakes, I don’t deserve good things. And that suuuucks.

Maybe to some that is Justice. On my journey of healing and doing better, I’m learning enoughness. Whole enough to tell myself what I’m doing IS enough, not forgive myself and forget all about it. Instead help heal the communities, always taking accountability, never stop learning and that that is enough in doing so.

I don’t believe in cancel culture, mainly because it doesnt show the world there is anything beyond shaming someone into the shadows. It doesn’t highlight enough ness in rehabilitation, accountability and healing for all. This country is about punishment, and it perpetuates this narrative that when you make a mistake you are broken, unfixable and to internalize shame that paralyzes people with fear to not do better because ‘what’s the point?’.

I’m 33 years old and writing this has always scared the absolute shit out of me. When I ask myself ‘why’ it was because I feared rejection, judgment and being shamed. But I can tell you this now, no one can shame me more than my own self already has. I know, I’ve done it for years. But I wanted to do better, I still do and I’ve been putting in the work tirelessly. Now it’s just time for me to stop, keep healing, keep doing better but leave behind the shame and guilt. I know I can never truly offer a safe space for people to stumble, fall and get up and be that beautiful change we all want to see in this world if I don’t allow it for myself. It’s always been easy to give others grace but not for me.

I’m sorry, but I’m letting go now. I want to help heal the world, I want to spread love and kindness, a safe place for people to be human beings. So that they can turn and continue to spread that to others. Sometimes the world can seem so bleak but I haven’t lost hope. If I can crawl out of so many fucked up outlooks, educate myself and take accountability, I believe anyone truly can too. Thats what I choose to believe.

I am an open book, you can ask me anything. What I will not do is give the impression that I’m all healed and that my outlooks will never continue to change. I’m constantly consuming education that helps myself and the collective in a positive way. With that I never seem the be the same person I was some time ago. As I learn, my outlook changes, as my beliefs are challenged there will always be mindset evolution. My goal is be better, and that’s what I promise myself to do everyday. It’s up to the world if they want to forgive me or not, either way I am still on this journey learning and doing better for myself and the world.

At the very least I hope this helps someone suffering from negative self talk and shame, who are depressed and can’t let go the mistakes of their past that they are still worthy of love and healing. And to show them that accountability is important in that fight. You do deserve to be happy just like everyone else. If I can so can you.