Meet E
“Women tend to take up a Mixed Martial or Self Defense as a way to reclaiming something within themselves. In the world we live in it’s really hard as a woman to feel safe. You cant even walk in public, in broad daylight without fearing for something! You don't feel free. Where I do feel free is when I’m training and I’m doing something amazing for myself. Reclaiming myself. You're no longer helpless, but you play it smart too, you still need to follow your intuition, you still need to play it safe. I was so afraid of everybody, I didn't trust walking anywhere or trust anybody. Reading news articles or watching videos of fights happening, I would always wonder what would I do in that situation . . . I didn't know. And the thing is I WANT to know what I would do.
“Back in 2015 there was a 18 year old student at UT where I attended suddenly attacked by a homeless teen, who was a very large individual. That was really hard information to swallow because I was a year older than her and did that exact same walk before. It became very clear being a women in this world is very dangerous and it wasn't even my choice. I can’t continue going about my life completely unable to defend myself from something like that. I was taking tae kwon do at the time and quit not long after the murder since it wasn't good self defense. I heard of Krav Maga the following weeks after the murder and I started looking for places when saw a flyer on the campus for a gym called Lions Krav Maga. When I started I was getting amazing training but realized women have a different mindset of training than men. Men are not really thinking about getting picked up, they have never lived with a target on their back their entire life, but if you are 140 lbs and a women, you are a target. I DO have a target on my back, the thing is I want to be a really hard target to hit! I am not going to make it easy for anybody to attack me, that’s been my motivation.
“There is no way of knowing how you will respond to a real attack. You can simulate it the best you can, but nobody's technique is perfect during stress drills. You're goal in training is to make your brain kick into a different place, the place you will be if you are ever attacked. Training is on your terms, but when someone attacks you, it’s on theirs.
“Hurdles/training slumps happened to me when I started to realize after training a while and getting good, how much I really do not know and how much I really can’t do. It sucks to realize that, and then feeling like ‘Wtf am I even training for then?’ Then the feeling of failing yourself, the instructors or fear of peers who may think I’m not a serious student when I’m not getting something perfectly. That took me months to get over and to think a lot less about it. The key was reminding myself I do this for me and only myself. This isn't about impressing people or living up to expectations, this is MY life. Comparing myself to others was something I had struggled with in every aspect of my life. Now I have made a conscious effort to not do it, but it is in my nature to compare myself to others. That was what started the whole training slump to begin with is when I realized I wasn't as good as I wanted to be. So you just have to become as good as you want to be, if that’s what want, you don’t have to. But If you do, you just have to work your fucking ass off.
“I use to be very timed and afraid of really trying, the fear of injury and my emotional issues. I was very resistant to kicking into that dark place. It really is more of a survival instinct and I think a lot of women are afraid of that because it may look violent to them, and a lot of women are raised not to be violent. I was terrified of my inner animal/that dark place. I think women have more of an issue with it, so it can be really hard to turn on the switch. It took me a very long time to finally do it, and I try to turn it on at every class now. Finding the switch has been probably my biggest obstacle in training, but once you find it, you just need to train with it all the time. It’s going to be extremely uncomfortable, I was very uncomfortable coming anywhere near it, but you just have to realize that’s your survival instinct talking to you and it’s there to help. It is a part of you, it’s protecting you, its on your side. So there’s no real reason to be afraid, because it’s keeping you safe, it’s not keeping anyone else safe. You have to be ok with that and eventually just accept violence does often have to be fought with violence, despite what we were all raised to think or told to do.
“I was terrified of it and would actually start crying from waves of emotion, because the only thing I could really think of was how scared I was of it. I get really rattled when someone hits my head hard, and that turns on the switch for me, I don't even have to look for it, its on! For the first time ever I wanted to kill somebody, it was really scary, but that’s the dark side of you, and you are perfectly capable of killing somebody. You might have to if you wanna save your own life from a attacker.
“Three years ago before I started training I would have just started crying and been actually helpless and I would have froze. If they really wanted to hurt me they could, because I wouldn't of known how to defend myself. If somebody had a gun and I took it away from them, I probably would have shot myself by accident. I didn't know how to hold a gun. First time taking a pistol course at Lions was extremely scary for me. When we did dry fire in the gym with no bullets, I almost started crying, because it’s violence to me, it was against what I know and how I'm supposed to be. I could kill somebody with this thing! This thing in my hand kills people! Guns are made to kill and that was what was so hard to me. When we did real fire drills we did real target practice, the first time I shot the gun I almost started crying. Because I pulled that trigger and it could have gone in somebody. I ended up making it through, I didn't have any meltdowns, but I didn't touch a gun again in months after that weekend.
“In the past I use to be a yes woman, I didn't set boundaries before training, and I was so terrified of people thinking less of me if I said no. I didn't know where they were or where they should be because my perceptions was of how uncomfortable someone should be allowed to make me. And I would let people get pretty damn far before I even said anything. Now I recognize ‘Hey I'm uncomfortable, this stops right now!’ as soon as I'm not ok with it, and when it gets to be bad enough where I can’t justify it. I was raised conservative, religious, and automatically women have to put up with more and do as their told. My perception of love too was different, I thought love was me giving somebody everything even if they didn't give me anything in return. I have since broken from that, I still give a lot but somebody giving the same respect, love IS respect. Thats something that has been really life changing for me, krav didn't do that, the community of Lions did. It is full of people who all want to make themselves better, and more willing to start thinking of how they want to be and they become that person. I’ve thought about how I want to be and I'm slowly becoming that person, which might change, my idea of who I want to be can change, and thats ok. You just have to start somewhere though, when you have no boundaries, it can be really overwhelming to suddenly start setting them, but you have to do it for yourself.
“ Its scary, but you have to be ok with the idea of prioritizing your life and whatever happens happens.
I want to go home safely
I want to set boundaries
I want to live my life the way I want
It’s not to impress anyone else
It’s all for me”
Meet A
I am a woman of color in America. Born and raised in Texas, and was so sheltered growing up I didn't know what discrimination was, even when it happened to me, until I was 24. My parents did the best they could I think, but human to human, they made some fuck ups. I was taught growing up (purposely or not) that I was not worth love or respect, to always know my place and never to have a voice. Not to say I didn't learn any valuable lessons, which even with a darkened adolescence and suicidal tendencies as a teenager, I still somehow walked away with extremely helpful attributes.
I am 30 years old and training in self defense came along about a year and a half ago. I was attracted to the idea of being a ‘badass’ and quite frankly, (finally) at the age of 28 I was tired of feeling helpless. There was moment after moment, experience after experience of when I felt so helpless, helpless and at the mercy of others. I cant tell you how fucking tired I was of feeling that way. For me, training is life saving, literally. I learned training was similar to therapy for me in a way that it was like boarding a roller coaster. Initially the idea of it is fun, then when the ride starts and all the ups and downs happen, it can bring mix emotions from happiness, to ‘holy fuck, get me off this thing!’. But isn't that just life?
I am the most centered when training, I have never been able to enjoy being in the moment without thinking of a million things. It is a peaceful feeling at times but there have been plenty of times I have these rage of emotions from a hit or being in a controlled position is when I realized I would be triggered. I couldn't explain to myself why at first and self-reproaching for ‘losing my cool’ but as I consoled my instructors I was not judged but met with understanding. It is the most amazing feeling to be able to open up and not be met with negativity or criticism, but support and love because I didn't know what that was like. Needless to say I was having an epiphany, and I still do at times, that I realized being pinned on the ground and losing my mind, going into a panic mode was PTSD. At times a parent would always pin me down on the ground and hit me countless times, sometimes also suffocating me. The stories I was afraid to open up about I’m no longer ashamed of, but I do know its my responsibility to take care of the pieces that I’m left with coming from an abusive household growing up.
When I’m on the mat, nothing else matters in the world, but at times PTSD would arise and I would be faced with the ultimate challenge, not give up. I have grown to love challenges and strive to always be better and I don't think I have ever felt this about anything before. I am met with respectful training partners and its a huge reason why I continue to train. But it has also taught me to establish boundaries with them when I don't feel comfortable about something. The culture of this gym should be in every single gym where women are met with mutual respect and the opportunity to train. My decision to make Krav Maga apart of my life has deeply impacted me in the outside world, like self respect and zero tolerance for B.S that I’m not hesitant to be more confident. For me that was taking up space for myself, speaking up, not apologizing and being clear and direct with my voice. In my experience as a female I was often taught to do the complete opposite; take up as little space as possible, not to talk back, apologize for everything. I don't even recognize that person anymore. When the #metoo came along I not only realized my own personal story of being sexually assaulted, but our vulnerability, as women, is our voice and that pain does not define us. When someone speaks up about their experience it gives women the safe space to do the same and look at how beautiful that is! I am not ashamed to share my story of when a male decided to take advantage of me when I was blacked out intoxicated, I did nothing wrong, I was used. So when I walked into that gym for the first time, best believe I was done being a doormat, I was done living my life in fear of being alone or even walking down the street at night. My confidence is being built, I am getting stronger mentally, physically, emotionally. This perishable skill is something that continues in my life because I refuse to be a victim.
I have a long road ahead of me, but I have come a long way from where I was. I have confidence to set boundaries, to be direct with what I want or need. Walking down the street more comfortably and even having the self worth to walk away from toxic relationships who don't support me and just use me. It’s amazing what the new life has brought to me and I couldn't imagine not training. What happened to me growing up was not my fault, but it is my responsibility to fix it and thats what I’m doing, I just refuse to not do anything about it anymore.
