I am a woman of color in America. Born and raised in Texas, and was so sheltered growing up I didn't know what discrimination was, even when it happened to me, until I was 24. My parents did the best they could I think, but human to human, they made some fuck ups. I was taught growing up (purposely or not) that I was not worth love or respect, to always know my place and never to have a voice. Not to say I didn't learn any valuable lessons, which even with a darkened adolescence and suicidal tendencies as a teenager, I still somehow walked away with extremely helpful attributes.

I am 30 years old and training in self defense came along about a year and a half ago. I was attracted to the idea of being a ‘badass’ and quite frankly, (finally) at the age of 28 I was tired of feeling helpless. There was moment after moment, experience after experience of when I felt so helpless, helpless and at the mercy of others. I cant tell you how fucking tired I was of feeling that way. For me, training is life saving, literally. I learned training was similar to therapy for me in a way that it was like boarding a roller coaster. Initially the idea of it is fun, then when the ride starts and all the ups and downs happen, it can bring mix emotions from happiness, to ‘holy fuck, get me off this thing!’. But isn't that just life?

I am the most centered when training, I have never been able to enjoy being in the moment without thinking of a million things. It is a peaceful feeling at times but there have been plenty of times I have these rage of emotions from a hit or being in a controlled position is when I realized I would be triggered. I couldn't explain to myself why at first and self-reproaching for ‘losing my cool’ but as I consoled my instructors I was not judged but met with understanding. It is the most amazing feeling to be able to open up and not be met with negativity or criticism, but support and love because I didn't know what that was like. Needless to say I was having an epiphany, and I still do at times, that I realized being pinned on the ground and losing my mind, going into a panic mode was PTSD. At times a parent would always pin me down on the ground and hit me countless times, sometimes also suffocating me. The stories I was afraid to open up about I’m no longer ashamed of, but I do know its my responsibility to take care of the pieces that I’m left with coming from an abusive household growing up.

When I’m on the mat, nothing else matters in the world, but at times PTSD would arise and I would be faced with the ultimate challenge, not give up. I have grown to love challenges and strive to always be better and I don't think I have ever felt this about anything before. I am met with respectful training partners and its a huge reason why I continue to train. But it has also taught me to establish boundaries with them when I don't feel comfortable about something. The culture of this gym should be in every single gym where women are met with mutual respect and the opportunity to train. My decision to make Krav Maga apart of my life has deeply impacted me in the outside world, like self respect and zero tolerance for B.S that I’m not hesitant to be more confident. For me that was taking up space for myself, speaking up, not apologizing and being clear and direct with my voice. In my experience as a female I was often taught to do the complete opposite; take up as little space as possible, not to talk back, apologize for everything. I don't even recognize that person anymore. When the #metoo came along I not only realized my own personal story of being sexually assaulted, but our vulnerability, as women, is our voice and that pain does not define us. When someone speaks up about their experience it gives women the safe space to do the same and look at how beautiful that is! I am not ashamed to share my story of when a male decided to take advantage of me when I was blacked out intoxicated, I did nothing wrong, I was used. So when I walked into that gym for the first time, best believe I was done being a doormat, I was done living my life in fear of being alone or even walking down the street at night. My confidence is being built, I am getting stronger mentally, physically, emotionally. This perishable skill is something that continues in my life because I refuse to be a victim.

I have a long road ahead of me, but I have come a long way from where I was. I have confidence to set boundaries, to be direct with what I want or need. Walking down the street more comfortably and even having the self worth to walk away from toxic relationships who don't support me and just use me. It’s amazing what the new life has brought to me and I couldn't imagine not training. What happened to me growing up was not my fault, but it is my responsibility to fix it and thats what I’m doing, I just refuse to not do anything about it anymore.

Meet A